Cultivating Connection

Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.  - Brené Brown

A few months ago, my 11 year marriage broke-up.

Like all humans, I need connection. I crave connection. I can’t live without connection. 

Learning to be just me after 15 years of being a couple, I needed to redefine connection.

I had heard Barbara Fredrickson speak about her research on Love 2.0 at a conference and I really related to her way of reframing love. 

Her idea is that love is about so much more than romantic connections.

As she writes: 

Love is not romance. It's not sexual desire. It's not even that special bond you feel with family or significant others.

Instead Fredrickson defines love as micro-moments of shared connection that we can have with anyone, anywhere:

Laughing with a friend. Connecting with a stranger on a bus. Playing with a baby. Saying goodbye to someone at the airport.

These micro-moments add up throughout our days, weeks, months, years to contribute greatly to our physical and emotional well-being at least as much, if not more, than romantic relationships.

There is actual physical magic that happens when we experience even just a few seconds of connecting with someone.

Connection is an energy between people that nourishes us emotionally and physically. 

And it isn’t just true for positive moments - it works for difficult moments as well.  As long as we are able to convey empathy, compassion or appreciation, we can also experience micro-moments of connection even in the midst of suffering. 

As Fredrickson writes: 

Evidence suggests that when you really click with someone else, a discernible yet momentary synchrony emerges between the two of you, as your gestures and biochemistries, even your respective neural firings, come to mirror one another in a pattern I call positivity resonance. Love is a biological wave of good feeling and mutual care that rolls through two or more brains and bodies at once.

So how can we have more of these micro-moments? How can we create the connection we crave with people, but are often afraid to open up to?

I have been putting into practise this idea of micro-moments of connection for the past few months and it really has made all the difference. 

Based on Fredrickson’s research there are two conditions necessary for micro-moments of connection to happen:

1. We need to feel safe. 

This sounds strange, yet totally makes sense. It is only when we feel safe enough to open up and share a part of us that we can truly connect with others. 

When we are stressed, hurrying, buying into the fear that others might reject us or not respond to our attempts to connect, it is hard to feel safe. 

In order to feel safe, I find it important to give others permission not to respond to your bid for connection. It probably isn’t about you anyway. They may not be open to connecting right now, and that’s OK. It will be a part of the process. 

2. Physical presence, particularly eye contact

According to research, more than touch or vocalisation or anything else, eye contact is what sets off the physical cascade of positive effects - the feeling of being connected to someone.

Once these two conditions are met, for me, the most important thing is:
Simply being open to connecting with someone and being fully present, even for just a few seconds. 

Because connection is everywhere, and possible with anyone - from a stranger to a friend or colleague or family member.

What I find works well: 

Being genuinely curious about the other person

Being warm

Being willing to share something about yourself that feels appropriate for the situation.

There is no magic recipe. It will depend on the situation and on your personal preference. Some people are good at using humor. Others prefer asking questions. Some prefer sharing a little about themselves. It’s about finding your personal style!

Here are some examples of micro-moments of connections I have experienced recently: 

Asking the taxi driver what the story behind his tattoo is. 

Commenting on the cool nail polish of the grocery store cashier. 

Commenting to the hurried waitress at the café how stressful it must be for her to deal with everyone arriving at the same time. 

Isn’t this a much more accessible way of thinking about love and connection? 

Because connection is possible everywhere when we open up to it.

Why Do We Get in Our Own Way?

You know the scenario. 

You start out motivated to make the change you want to make, the habit you want to change. 

You tell yourself that THIS TIME things will be different. This time, it will work.

This might be a new way of eating or exercising or the way you react in a relationship. 

So you bring in more willpower. You bring in discipline. Perhaps some deprivation. You feel strong. You feel especially optimistic because it's a new year. 

Fast forward a few weeks later. You've given up. Again. It seems impossible to make this change. And you feel angry and disappointed with yourself because it feels like you've gotten in your own way. 

What's going on? 

What if what's going on actually made perfect sense? 

What if there is always a good reason for everything we do, including not being able to stick to our goals and seemingly getting in our own way? 

This is the approach I take in this webinar. 

Because self-sabotage always has at its core an inner conflict. A conflict between different parts of ourselves. 

And when we understand this conflict and what's really going on, we can stop beating ourselves up about it, and discover a more effective way of making change. 

A way that does not involve discipline and deprivation. 

A way that involves working more effectively with the different parts of us while tapping into a wiser part that can help us make sustainable change. 

In this webinar recording, I explain this dynamic - what's really going on - and how to make more effective change. 

Goal Setting for the New Year

It’s a new year. And with this fresh new beginning comes the possibility of so much change. Of finally doing the things we’ve been meaning to do but haven’t quite done yet.

And so we make New Year’s Resolutions lists.

With things like: 

• Stop smoking
• Eat more healthy
• Lose 10 kilos
• Exercise more

And while they might feel good in the moment, these kind of goals are pretty useless. They just set us up for failure.

But it isn’t because we suck and have no willpower. It’s because we never really learn how to set goals effectively.

My training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, the approach I use, has completely changed how I set and accomplish goals. This is not a magic formula of simply visualizing something and expecting it to manifest – it is a scientifically-based approach to values-driven goal-setting.

I like to think of it as also being a more compassionate approach to goal-setting because it actually sets us up for success.

To help you set kick-ass goals for this brand new year, I am sharing a downloadable PDF that you can get here.

And until the end of January, I am offering to read your filled out worksheets and provide feedback.

Here are some ways to make your 2017 goals more kick-ass:  

1. Make sure your goal is part of something bigger that really matters to you

These are your values, your WHY for wanting to achieve a goal. For example, with a goal like ‘eat healthier’, the WHY behind it might be self-care.

If you find yourself choosing out of FOG (Fear, obligation or guilt) and not because this is something that you want to move towards, you are not giving yourself the chance to succeed. You will simply end up sabotaging yourself because you are not following your heart. Guaranteed.

2. Avoid dead man’s goals

These are goals a dead person would do better than you (like stop smoking, cut out sugar) and focus on what you want to do more of instead (breathe pure air, eat more healthy fats and protein).

3. Know that any change brings up discomfort – and be willing to make room for it

This is because our old-school, conservative mind will always resist any kind of newness – even something we rationally know is good for us.

Research shows that identifying the uncomfortable emotions, thoughts and sensations that show up when you try to implement a change and knowing that this is normal and part of the whole experience of making change can help us better deal with it.

Once you’ve identified these, you need to be really honest with yourself: How willing are you to face the discomfort that will inevitably show up when making this change? 

If you are not willing to, if the discomfort is greater than how important this goal is for you, that’s OK. But it does mean that it would be better to pick a different goal because discomfort is part of the whole experience, and cannot be avoided – even if we can learn to better handle the discomfort. If the discomfort is too great, then you will end up fighting an uphill battle with yourself, so make sure you have a goal that brings with it discomfort you can realistically deal with.

4. Break down the goal into the smallest, most tangible step possible.

A step that feels almost too easy is much more likely to lead to the next small step and to encourage us to keep moving towards what matters to us.

This seems counter-intuitive because we tend to be overly optimistic about how much willpower and motivation our Future Selves have! So really try to be realistic – how likely are you to take action towards this goal on a scale of 1-10? If less than 6, break it down even further.

A really tiny step for eating more healthy can look like: Add more vegetables to at least one meal per day. That’s it. It isn’t about overhauling your eating entirely straight away. Once this is mastered, you can then move on to the next tiny step and so on.

For exercising more, it might simply look like attending a zumba class once a week. That’s it. Just start really, really small.

5. To help you during difficult moments, think in advance about how you can cheer yourself on.

Why does it matters to you to do this, what it is in the service of? You can also write this down on a post-it somewhere you can see it or have it on your phone.

For example, with the eating more healthy example:

You deserve to feel your best in your body, to really take care of yourself. 

That’s it!

Make sure you get the FREE worksheet here and try as much as possible to view this as an experiment. If a goal doesn’t work out, that OK. The WHY is probably still true for you, so simply experiment with another goal that can help you move towards this.

And above all, be kind to yourself, always and whatever happens.

When Gratitude is Unhelpful

I know this probably isn’t very popular to say but I believe gratitude can be unhelpful. It can also be wonderful, and yes, I know about the research from Positive Psychology about the power of gratitude.

Gratitude definitely has its place.

Yet, I find that gratitude is often used as an avoidance technique.

As a way of not contacting difficult emotions, of not fully feeling the injustice of a situation, of trying to force ourselves to accept something that actually isn’t acceptable – or isn’t digested yet.

Almost like a pretty coat of paint used to hide something we find ugly.

And if we want to live from a place of integrity, where we have our own backs and are honest with ourselves, I believe we must first:

Allow ourselves to feel whatever we are feeling. And I really mean whatever is showing up for us. 

Because it is showing up for a reason. Our emotions don’t exist to torture us but to provide valuable information.

So can we be really honest with ourselves and become really curious about:

In this moment, what am I feeling? 

What thoughts are showing up? 

What sensations? 

What does this tell me about my needs or desires? 

Does it give me information about something that isn’t working for me? About what I care about in this situation?

Being able to stay with whatever is showing up instead of trying to smother it with a layer of unheartfelt gratitude is much healthier to our psychological well-being. 

Because as humans, we are meant to experience the full spectrum of human emotions.

And we can’t force gratitude. Because as soon as we tell ourselves or other people that we ‘should’ feel grateful, it becomes an obligation, a rigid rule – not a choice.

This can sound like:

Everything happens for a reason

At least you still have xxx

You should be grateful for everything you DO have

Don’t complain, just be grateful that xxx

Please don’t say these things – either to yourself or to another person. Rarely, if ever are such statements helpful for someone going through a dark time.

Because here’s the thing. It’s OK to feel whatever you are feeling – and chances are, if you are going through a dark time, it doesn’t start with gratitude.

It looks more like:

It really sucks that my marriage didn’t work – it isn’t fair that other people seem to make theirs work. Oh…and there is a lot of sadness behind that anger…and grief…and…

It is only when you can honestly work through the difficulty of a situation, that you can allow yourself to feel the anger, the rage, the injustice, sadness or whatever else you are feeling – that maybe, just maybe, later, when it feels in alignment and not like a pretty layer of paint we are trying to use over hurt and pain that is demanding to be felt – can gratitude step in and have a space.

Don’t force it. Don’t insult gratitude by using it as pretty paint. Give it it’s rightful place by allowing it to surface in its own time.

And instead, bring in self-compassion to help you be with what is asking to be met.

Be easy, take your time. You are coming home to yourself. – Nayyirah Waheed

The Gap: Where You Are vs Where You Want to Be

There’s a gap. A gap between where you are right now and where you want to be.

This gap, you don’t want it there. You want to be on the other side. Or to not even notice it is there – to pretend that actually, things are fine! Just fine, over on this side of the gap.

Only they are not. Things might not be awful but they aren’t all fine, either. Because you want more. You want to be able to live more fully, to love more deeply, to really connect with people. You used to be someone with dreams. With interests. With ambitions. There was a time when everything felt possible.

Because if you are really honest with yourself, you know that this is not the life you want for yourself.

But this gap. This gap, it is painful.

This gap holds longing and helplessness and fear and thoughts of

Who do you think you are to even want this?

You don’t deserve this

You should just be grateful for what you already have

You can’t do this

You’re not good enough

And questions like:

What if it works?

and

What if it doesn’t?

You can’t seem to win with the gap.

And getting close to the gap is uncomfortable. It’s painful.

And so you live your life avoiding this gap. Numbing the pain of longing. Finding a little happiness in the every day.

Which is fine. Until it is not.

Until one day you realize: That gap, it’s crossable. That this pain that you’ve been avoiding for so long is not your enemy. And that you might even be able to use it as fuel to help you move towards what matters to you.

That you hurt because you care, and that if you didn’t care about doing this, it wouldn’t be so painful.

And all those horrible thoughts, you realize that they are just thoughts your mind comes up with to keep you in your comfort zone. That the mind’s primary job description is to keep you alive and safe, and any form of uncertainty or change is seen as dangerous.

And you realize that you can allow those thoughts and emotions to be there – that you can let them be and realize that:

Yes they are painful.

AND YET

They don’t have the power to stop you from moving towards what matters.

So the day arrives when you finally cross the gap. You reach the other side. And on this other side, you discover that life is different, yes. That you are different.

That there is still discomfort and pain. That life is less easy. It isn’t as comfortable.

And that this discomfort is different from the one of longing and regret and absence you felt on the other side. It is different from the pain of numbness, of nothingness.

This pain, it’s a pain of newness, of no guarantees, of badassery. It’s a pain that comes with excitement, with exhilaration, with meaning.

It’s a pain of being fully alive. Of vitality.

And you realize that it boiled down to this all along –

Not whether or not you were going to feel any pain.

Because that is never an option in this life.

No. The choice was always this:

Of choosing between:

The pain of longing, of absence, of trying to convince yourself that this gap doesn’t exist.

OR

The pain and risk that comes with doing what really matters to you and being fully alive.

Stressed? This Changed My Life

Hello Stress.

You and I are intimately acquainted. You were my constant companion during the 8 years I worked in the fast paced, crazy advertising/communication world. You are still my companion every time I do something new.

But now I know better. I know who you are, Stress. That the generic word we use to describe you doesn’t really say anything. That you are not an emotion.

I am not saying you don’t exist. Oh, I would never deny your existence!

But I understand now that there is always a good reason you show up. And that you have a message you are trying to convey. And that while you are not an emotion, you always have emotion(s) driving you.

So now, instead of saying, “I’m so stressed!!”, I ask myself: What is really going on? What emotions can I identify BEHIND the stress?

Being able to get specific about the emotions behind stress is removes some of the overwhelm. It helps me feel I am not fighting an invisible enemy.

Some of the emotions behind stress can be:

Are changes coming too quickly? —> Fear

Are you worried about how something will work or what people will think? —> Anxiety

Are your boundaries being threatened? —> Anger

Are you unsure of what to do next? —> Confusion / Overwhelm

Are you refusing to let go of something that no longer works for you? —> Sadness

Have you suffered an irretrievable loss? —> Grief

So perhaps, next time you feel ‘stressed’, instead of saying to yourself or others ‘I’m so stressed!!’ try to pinpoint the emotion behind the stress. What’s really going on? Research shows that simply labelling an emotion we are feeling, without ‘doing’ anything about it, can help defuse some of the power it has over us.

Source: Research on labelling emotions done by UCLA psychologist Matthew Lieberman