There’s a gap. A gap between where you are right now and where you want to be.
This gap, you don’t want it there. You want to be on the other side. Or to not even notice it is there – to pretend that actually, things are fine! Just fine, over on this side of the gap.
Only they are not. Things might not be awful but they aren’t all fine, either. Because you want more. You want to be able to live more fully, to love more deeply, to really connect with people. You used to be someone with dreams. With interests. With ambitions. There was a time when everything felt possible.
Because if you are really honest with yourself, you know that this is not the life you want for yourself.
But this gap. This gap, it is painful.
This gap holds longing and helplessness and fear and thoughts of
Who do you think you are to even want this?
You don’t deserve this
You should just be grateful for what you already have
You can’t do this
You’re not good enough
And questions like:
What if it works?
What if it doesn’t?
You can’t seem to win with the gap.
And getting close to the gap is uncomfortable. It’s painful.
And so you live your life avoiding this gap. Numbing the pain of longing. Finding a little happiness in the every day.
Which is fine. Until it is not.
Until one day you realize: That gap, it’s crossable. That this pain that you’ve been avoiding for so long is not your enemy. And that you might even be able to use it as fuel to help you move towards what matters to you.
That you hurt because you care, and that if you didn’t care about doing this, it wouldn’t be so painful.
And all those horrible thoughts, you realize that they are just thoughts your mind comes up with to keep you in your comfort zone. That the mind’s primary job description is to keep you alive and safe, and any form of uncertainty or change is seen as dangerous.
And you realize that you can allow those thoughts and emotions to be there – that you can let them be and realize that:
Yes they are painful.
They don’t have the power to stop you from moving towards what matters.
So the day arrives when you finally cross the gap. You reach the other side. And on this other side, you discover that life is different, yes. That you are different.
That there is still discomfort and pain. That life is less easy. It isn’t as comfortable.
And that this discomfort is different from the one of longing and regret and absence you felt on the other side. It is different from the pain of numbness, of nothingness.
This pain, it’s a pain of newness, of no guarantees, of badassery. It’s a pain that comes with excitement, with exhilaration, with meaning.
It’s a pain of being fully alive. Of vitality.
And you realize that it boiled down to this all along –
Not whether or not you were going to feel any pain.
Because that is never an option in this life.
No. The choice was always this:
Of choosing between:
The pain of longing, of absence, of trying to convince yourself that this gap doesn’t exist.
The pain and risk that comes with doing what really matters to you and being fully alive.