Grief Ain’t Linear and Other Things I Learned From the End of My Marriage

When suffering knocks at your door and you say there is no seat for him, he tells you not to worry because he has brought his own stool. - China Achebe

It has been six months since the end of my 11-year marriage and I wanted to share my personal experience of getting through the past six months, and how working with my emotions has made all the difference. 

I have room for it all

I learned that I could feel deep sadness about the end of this chapter, this identity, this relationship - AND ALSO excitement, gratitude, anxiety, doubt and regret all at once. In the past I would have denied some of these emotions as not being ‘real’ because I thought they couldn’t co-exist. And yet they can, and even more: They always do when we are honest with ourselves. 

I learned that I had room for all of these emotions, that I didn’t need to reduce my emotional experience to ‘just’ grieving. That it was OK to feel whatever I was feeling - that I could hold them all at the same time. 

It ain’t linear

One of the most important experiences I had was realizing just how un-linear emotions are. One minute I would be feeling OK, and then BAM - a painful pang of remembering would show up. Or just when I thought I was reaching the end of it, I would have to deal with something new and this brought on a whole new stage of grieving. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. 

It all felt more like waves than a linear progression of feeling better. Again, being OK with that, even expecting it, made all the difference. 

Peaceful turmoil

I have not cried or grieved as much in my life as I have in the past months. And yet, there has also been a sense of peacefulness because I was not fighting my emotions. I was neither trying to repress them nor allowing them to explode all over the place. As much as possible, I was simply allowing them to be, to hang out. 

Inner peace is not about not having emotions or difficulties in life and being permanently zen. That isn’t realistic. It isn't real life. Instead, it is about bringing an OK-ness with whatever we are experiencing in all its messiness.

Hello, sadness

This experience really brought to life in a completely new way that every emotion has a right to be showing up and a reason to be there because each emotion has a role or job in our internal village. 

For example, the role sadness plays is as the street sweeper of the village - signalling that something is over and needs to be let go of. Doesn’t it make sense that it would be showing up at a time like this?

After all, it is only by sweeping the streets clean that we can let go of what no longer works and make room for the new. 

I also viewed this sadness as a signal that I cared, that the last 15 years had meant something to me. 

I realised it wouldn’t be normal for sadness NOT to be showing up.  

So I started to speak to my sadness as if we were old friends - because frankly, we were becoming well acquainted!

I would say: Oh hello there again sadness, my old friend. It totally makes sense that you would be showing up. You can hang out as long as you need. 

And you know what? Most of the time, sadness didn’t need to hang out for too long. It showed up, and we hung out for a bit, and then it moved on, and I was able to feel something else. 

When we are not fighting emotions and listen to them instead, emotions deliver their message and then they move on. I see it as their having better things to do with their time. 

So. Much. Anger.

I felt a lot more anger than usual during this phase. Not in the yelling at people form, but simply in the form of noticing annoyance or frustration. This is a gentler form of anger before we allow it to fester and explode. 

And again, this made sense to me. Anger is about healthy boundaries - it is the gatekeeper of the internal village, and its role is to signal how it is OK and not OK for others to treat us. 

I was feeling more sensitive than usual, and I used frustration as a signal that I needed better boundaries to allow me to turn within - which most of the time meant more self-care and alone time. 

It is almost as if anger was telling me to put up a temporary brick wall and isolate my village a little to help in this reconstruction, mourning phase. 

I respected this as much as I could, reducing my social contact to people who I felt really supported me and avoiding certain relationships that felt too draining during this time. I also didn’t force myself to go out and enjoy single life until I felt ready. 

Eek. So many ‘what ifs?’

Anxiety is another emotion that has shown up a lot in the past few months. 

Anxiety for me was filled with WHAT IFs. It sounded like:

What if I can't get by on my own financially? 
What if I never meet anyone again?
How will I deal with x / y / z? 

The job description of anxiety is being the risk manager or planner of the village. Anxiety wants to help us plan for the future as much as possible. 

Again, I realised how normal it was for anxiety to be showing up, with all the newness, uncertainty and unknown elements of this new phase of life. 

I worked with the messages of anxiety by acting on the stuff that I could do something about:

I hired someone to help me with admin stuff, with my taxes, and accounting. 

I gave myself permission not to do things I was doing for the first time perfectly. 

And I allowed myself to take not have to do everything at once like moving all my stuff, and to focus on just one thing at a time. 

I tried opening up to the uncertainty of what was out of my control as much as possible, letting go of the (futile) need to control things that were out of my control. 

Again, I didn’t fight anxiety. I allowed it to do its thing and used it to help me plan for the future to the extent that this felt realistic and kind. 

Staying with the discomfort

When I first moved out, I felt more pain than I have ever felt in my life. I had been in this relationship for almost 15 years and it felt like a piece of my body had been torn off and that this part of me was raw and exposed. 

I felt I would never feel better.

I felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness, like a great, gaping void had opened up and would engulf me. 

And I know that in the past, my way of dealing with discomfort has been to overbook my time or eat emotionally. 

I knew this, and so I made an effort to really stay with what was showing up, instead of trying to avoid it or numb it or push it away. I brought curiosity to it. I tried staying with how it felt in my body, with the images that came up. I tried to explore it, to get really curious about this. 

I realized that when I stayed with the emptiness, it didn't feel so threatening. That I didn't want to have this feeling but that didn't mean it was my enemy, either.  It started to feel like a vast space opening up, where yes, there was a lot of uncertainty AND where anything could happen. Instead of calling it emptiness, I started calling it a space of possibility.

The perks of vulnerability

As I wrote in this article, this was also a time where I made some incredible connections.

I made some encounters that I can say have already been life-changing. 

I discovered a strength in myself I only hoped I had but hadn’t actually tested. 

I learned to be OK with being in my own company. I realized there is so much more I can give myself that I thought - that we can all give ourselves. 

I also learned just how much I can get from others, and how beautiful it can be to ask for help as well. 

I learned that friends will be there when you need a reality check or to just to go out and have fun.

I learned that family will be there and offer support even when they don’t agree or understand what you are doing. 

I learned that being vulnerable and keeping an open heart also meant I was more touched by the goodness of people. That it was even OK to cry in session with a client because what she said touched me so much.  

That there is a tenderness, a rawness, an openness that comes from being in this space. That this space can be beautiful too. It broke me open, it moved me past fears and limitations, it revealed to me a strength I didn’t know I had.

Above all, it allowed me to live with my emotions in a way that feels harmonious despite the turmoil.

And I can honestly say that I would not have dealt with these past six months in this way without the skills I have gained through the work of Karla McLaren and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). This experience allowed me to put into practise in a much deeper way these approaches and I will forever be grateful to them. 

Working with Self-Criticism

I'm sure you can relate to this: You want to do something. And yet, you keep telling yourself that you are stupid, that you'll never succeed. You jump to the worst case scenarios and then start comparing yourself to others who are doing this thing you want to do but are doing it SO MUCH BETTER than you. 

What's going on? Why are we often our own worst enemies? How does it make sense on some level that the mind evolved to be super negative and critical towards us? 

In this short video, I talk about the job description of the mind and how to deal with this harsh, painful way of speaking to ourselves. 

Hint: The mind will never become a cheerleader. And if we wait for this to happen, we'll never do anything in life. 

If you want to find out more about how to peacefully co-exist with the inner critic we all have, join me for my workshop Tuesday April 4 in Geneva - find out more here! 

Why are we often our own worst enemies? How does it make sense on some level that the mind evolved to be super negative and critical towards us? In this short video, I talk about the job description of the mind and how to deal with this harsh, painful way of speaking to ourselves.

Three Ways of Working with Regret

I'm sure you've experienced regret: Thoughts like 'I shouldn't have done that' or 'why did I do that?'. 

In the short video below, I share three ways we can learn to work more effectively with regret - so that instead of staying stuck in it, we can use it to become wiser humans!

Cultivating Connection

Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.  - Brené Brown

A few months ago, my 11 year marriage broke-up.

Like all humans, I need connection. I crave connection. I can’t live without connection. 

Learning to be just me after 15 years of being a couple, I needed to redefine connection.

I had heard Barbara Fredrickson speak about her research on Love 2.0 at a conference and I really related to her way of reframing love. 

Her idea is that love is about so much more than romantic connections.

As she writes: 

Love is not romance. It's not sexual desire. It's not even that special bond you feel with family or significant others.

Instead Fredrickson defines love as micro-moments of shared connection that we can have with anyone, anywhere:

Laughing with a friend. Connecting with a stranger on a bus. Playing with a baby. Saying goodbye to someone at the airport.

These micro-moments add up throughout our days, weeks, months, years to contribute greatly to our physical and emotional well-being at least as much, if not more, than romantic relationships.

There is actual physical magic that happens when we experience even just a few seconds of connecting with someone.

Connection is an energy between people that nourishes us emotionally and physically. 

And it isn’t just true for positive moments - it works for difficult moments as well.  As long as we are able to convey empathy, compassion or appreciation, we can also experience micro-moments of connection even in the midst of suffering. 

As Fredrickson writes: 

Evidence suggests that when you really click with someone else, a discernible yet momentary synchrony emerges between the two of you, as your gestures and biochemistries, even your respective neural firings, come to mirror one another in a pattern I call positivity resonance. Love is a biological wave of good feeling and mutual care that rolls through two or more brains and bodies at once.

So how can we have more of these micro-moments? How can we create the connection we crave with people, but are often afraid to open up to?

I have been putting into practise this idea of micro-moments of connection for the past few months and it really has made all the difference. 

Based on Fredrickson’s research there are two conditions necessary for micro-moments of connection to happen:

1. We need to feel safe. 

This sounds strange, yet totally makes sense. It is only when we feel safe enough to open up and share a part of us that we can truly connect with others. 

When we are stressed, hurrying, buying into the fear that others might reject us or not respond to our attempts to connect, it is hard to feel safe. 

In order to feel safe, I find it important to give others permission not to respond to your bid for connection. It probably isn’t about you anyway. They may not be open to connecting right now, and that’s OK. It will be a part of the process. 

2. Physical presence, particularly eye contact

According to research, more than touch or vocalisation or anything else, eye contact is what sets off the physical cascade of positive effects - the feeling of being connected to someone.

Once these two conditions are met, for me, the most important thing is:
Simply being open to connecting with someone and being fully present, even for just a few seconds. 

Because connection is everywhere, and possible with anyone - from a stranger to a friend or colleague or family member.

What I find works well: 

Being genuinely curious about the other person

Being warm

Being willing to share something about yourself that feels appropriate for the situation.

There is no magic recipe. It will depend on the situation and on your personal preference. Some people are good at using humor. Others prefer asking questions. Some prefer sharing a little about themselves. It’s about finding your personal style!

Here are some examples of micro-moments of connections I have experienced recently: 

Asking the taxi driver what the story behind his tattoo is. 

Commenting on the cool nail polish of the grocery store cashier. 

Commenting to the hurried waitress at the café how stressful it must be for her to deal with everyone arriving at the same time. 

Isn’t this a much more accessible way of thinking about love and connection? 

Because connection is possible everywhere when we open up to it.

Why Do We Get in Our Own Way?

You know the scenario. 

You start out motivated to make the change you want to make, the habit you want to change. 

You tell yourself that THIS TIME things will be different. This time, it will work.

This might be a new way of eating or exercising or the way you react in a relationship. 

So you bring in more willpower. You bring in discipline. Perhaps some deprivation. You feel strong. You feel especially optimistic because it's a new year. 

Fast forward a few weeks later. You've given up. Again. It seems impossible to make this change. And you feel angry and disappointed with yourself because it feels like you've gotten in your own way. 

What's going on? 

What if what's going on actually made perfect sense? 

What if there is always a good reason for everything we do, including not being able to stick to our goals and seemingly getting in our own way? 

This is the approach I take in this webinar. 

Because self-sabotage always has at its core an inner conflict. A conflict between different parts of ourselves. 

And when we understand this conflict and what's really going on, we can stop beating ourselves up about it, and discover a more effective way of making change. 

A way that does not involve discipline and deprivation. 

A way that involves working more effectively with the different parts of us while tapping into a wiser part that can help us make sustainable change. 

In this webinar recording, I explain this dynamic - what's really going on - and how to make more effective change. 

Goal Setting for the New Year

It’s a new year. And with this fresh new beginning comes the possibility of so much change. Of finally doing the things we’ve been meaning to do but haven’t quite done yet.

And so we make New Year’s Resolutions lists.

With things like: 

• Stop smoking
• Eat more healthy
• Lose 10 kilos
• Exercise more

And while they might feel good in the moment, these kind of goals are pretty useless. They just set us up for failure.

But it isn’t because we suck and have no willpower. It’s because we never really learn how to set goals effectively.

My training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, the approach I use, has completely changed how I set and accomplish goals. This is not a magic formula of simply visualizing something and expecting it to manifest – it is a scientifically-based approach to values-driven goal-setting.

I like to think of it as also being a more compassionate approach to goal-setting because it actually sets us up for success.

To help you set kick-ass goals for this brand new year, I am sharing a downloadable PDF that you can get here.

And until the end of January, I am offering to read your filled out worksheets and provide feedback.

Here are some ways to make your 2017 goals more kick-ass:  

1. Make sure your goal is part of something bigger that really matters to you

These are your values, your WHY for wanting to achieve a goal. For example, with a goal like ‘eat healthier’, the WHY behind it might be self-care.

If you find yourself choosing out of FOG (Fear, obligation or guilt) and not because this is something that you want to move towards, you are not giving yourself the chance to succeed. You will simply end up sabotaging yourself because you are not following your heart. Guaranteed.

2. Avoid dead man’s goals

These are goals a dead person would do better than you (like stop smoking, cut out sugar) and focus on what you want to do more of instead (breathe pure air, eat more healthy fats and protein).

3. Know that any change brings up discomfort – and be willing to make room for it

This is because our old-school, conservative mind will always resist any kind of newness – even something we rationally know is good for us.

Research shows that identifying the uncomfortable emotions, thoughts and sensations that show up when you try to implement a change and knowing that this is normal and part of the whole experience of making change can help us better deal with it.

Once you’ve identified these, you need to be really honest with yourself: How willing are you to face the discomfort that will inevitably show up when making this change? 

If you are not willing to, if the discomfort is greater than how important this goal is for you, that’s OK. But it does mean that it would be better to pick a different goal because discomfort is part of the whole experience, and cannot be avoided – even if we can learn to better handle the discomfort. If the discomfort is too great, then you will end up fighting an uphill battle with yourself, so make sure you have a goal that brings with it discomfort you can realistically deal with.

4. Break down the goal into the smallest, most tangible step possible.

A step that feels almost too easy is much more likely to lead to the next small step and to encourage us to keep moving towards what matters to us.

This seems counter-intuitive because we tend to be overly optimistic about how much willpower and motivation our Future Selves have! So really try to be realistic – how likely are you to take action towards this goal on a scale of 1-10? If less than 6, break it down even further.

A really tiny step for eating more healthy can look like: Add more vegetables to at least one meal per day. That’s it. It isn’t about overhauling your eating entirely straight away. Once this is mastered, you can then move on to the next tiny step and so on.

For exercising more, it might simply look like attending a zumba class once a week. That’s it. Just start really, really small.

5. To help you during difficult moments, think in advance about how you can cheer yourself on.

Why does it matters to you to do this, what it is in the service of? You can also write this down on a post-it somewhere you can see it or have it on your phone.

For example, with the eating more healthy example:

You deserve to feel your best in your body, to really take care of yourself. 

That’s it!

Make sure you get the FREE worksheet here and try as much as possible to view this as an experiment. If a goal doesn’t work out, that OK. The WHY is probably still true for you, so simply experiment with another goal that can help you move towards this.

And above all, be kind to yourself, always and whatever happens.