Travel as an Attitude

One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things. - Henry Miller

When I worked in the corporate world, I remember waiting for the two weeks of travelling somewhere new and exotic to finally feel alive. 

To extend this feeling, I even took six months off to travel around the world nine years ago with my then husband. It was a wonderful experience - and it actually taught me something very unexpected.

It taught me that travel can be an attitude. That travel doesn't have to be to a far flung exotic destination. It doesn't even have to be a time when we are away from our daily lives of work and family. 

Instead, we can also apply the aspects of travel we love to our everyday lives.

We can start building a life we already love, that is filling with alive-ness, instead of seeing travel as an escape from an un-alive life. 

Here are five suggestions to start bringing travel as an attitude to every day life. 

1. Travel as an attitude means embracing discomfort as a necessary path to growth.

Travel is often about taking a small step - or many steps - away from our comfort zone. This moving out of our comfort zone is where magic can happen - where we discover aspects of ourselves we didn’t even know existed. 

Everyday life provides plenty of opportunities to push past our fears - from moving away from a situation or relationship that is no longer working to standing up for ourselves, signing-up to a dating app or even opening up a little bit more with someone we care about.

Travel as an attitude embraces all forms of discomfort as a path to growth - not just the physical discomfort of travel, but also the emotional discomfort that comes from personal growth. 

2. Travel as an attitude means being open to new experiences wherever we are.

Travel enables us to experience new things — both man made and natural. Seeing kangaroos on a beach at sunrise, taking a helicopter ride or experiencing Angkor Wat at sunset?

Definitely awe-inspiring.

Yet daily life also provides plenty of opportunities for new experiences IF we create them. These can be as small as trying a new café or restaurant in the city we live in, taking a new class, learning a new language, reading a book or buying an unknown vegetable when grocery shopping. 

We can make time to watch the sun set after work or take a different path to work. We can always create new experiences.

3. Travel as an attitude sees differences as enriching rather than threatening.

Travel opens our minds to different ways of doing things. It gently, and sometimes not so gently, reveals that other ways, beliefs and attitudes exist - and that they, too, are valid and even fascinating. In doing so, it provides the opportunity to re-examine our own beliefs and habits.

In everyday life, we are faced with different beliefs and attitudes all around us, yet we often don’t choose to see these as intriguing - annoying is probably a more apt description! 

Yet we can always choose to be open to differences in opinions and values that come from our family or co-workers - with appropriate boundaries, of course! Accepting them with the same openness and curiosity we show ‘foreign’ cultures can be a novel experience.

Instead of seething with resentment, we could become curious about this difference: 

I wonder why my colleague / family member / boss is reacting in this way? How do they see the world differently to me? What is it about their reaction that triggers me? 

Perhaps we will notice what Carl Jung wrote - that "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."

4. Travel as an attitude means being open to connection.

Away from the cocoon of our known lives, we are more vulnerable and open, both with people we know and people we don’t. And while we don't always stay in touch with those we meet, for a brief moment, we have walked along the same path, and this interaction leaves us all the richer. It can act as a humble reminder, as Maya Angelou wrote, that "We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike".

We don’t actually need to physically travel to connect with people or be just a little more open and vulnerable with people around us. We can choose to put our phones down in public places and connect, even if this is just a brief moment of connection. 

5. Travel as an attitude means taking distance from life.

Being able to briefly press the pause button on everyday routines provides a bird’s eye view of life. Travel enables us to assess what matters most, to re-evaluate our priorities and what we want or need to change in our daily lives.

A physical change in environment is helpful - yet when this isn't possible we can also explore other ways of gaining a little perspective such as journaling, meditating, yoga, going into nature, therapy/coaching or simply leaving more space to just BE instead of overbooking the week.

Nothing will ever replace real travel, of course. But what I have found by bringing travel as an attitude into my life as much as possible is that I no longer see travel as an escape from life but a way to enhance a life I already enjoy. 

I haven't gone anywhere this summer, so this is one of my attempt at living Travel as an attitude: Trying out an awesome new café in Lausanne - Ca Passe Crème - in the great company of Tony Johnston - freelance video, animation and podcast producer who took this photo.

I drank a delicious cold drink called cascara which is made from the cherry blossoms of the coffee bean.

The Darker Side of Summer

"Summers had a logic all their own and they always brought something out in me. Summer was supposed to be about freedom and youth and no school and possibilities and adventure and exploration. Summer was a book of hope. That's why I loved and hated summers. Because they made me want to believe.” - Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Despite the carefree spirit that seems to prevail in summer, things aren’t all rosy all the time. 

In a way, and perhaps more so than other seasons, the summer sun shines its light on all the corners of our lives. It illuminates things we might have kept tucked away the rest of the year. 

Suddenly, we are exposed. No more hiding.

We find ourselves face to face with our longings, our desires, our bodies - our lives.

At the same time, no other season seems to bring more insistence to make the most of life than summer. 

There is a pressure to live fully, to be active, to be sociable - and for some of us, this might bring social anxiety or FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).  

I wanted to share some of the themes I encounter in individual sessions and with myself during this time - the less sunny side of this season we so rarely talk about. This is in no way to discount all the joys of summer - simply to provide another reality in the hope we might bring more compassion to ourselves and others. 

So. Much. Pressure. 

Summer brings with it a seeming pressure to enjoy life, to go out, to be sociable. 

There is a sense that we should be constantly OUT and enjoying life. That we should be taking advantage of every minute of this limited time.

Hello, FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). 

This might sound something like: 

You’re missing out! You should be outside enjoying the weather. Party! Travel! Swim! Picnic! Festivals! There is so much you could be doing! You’re wasting the best time of the year - you’re wasting your life! 

Hello, Loneliness

Meanwhile, it can seem like everyone else is enjoying life more. Suddenly our social media feeds are filled with poolside leg selfies and festival fun and fabulous Greek island holidays. 

And of course, we find ourselves comparing our much less glamorous lives to all that fun. We compare someone else’s highlight reel with our own every day reality. And of course, we come out lacking.  

While winter feels like a cozy time of introspection and me-time, summer seems more sociable. And that can bring up longings we conveniently tucked away the rest of the year.

Because other people have family and we are single. 

Because we have just been through a loss or a break-up. 

Because we just moved somewhere new. 

Because we don’t seem to have as many friends as other people.

Because putting ourselves out there brings up the risk of rejection. 

Because social situations bring up a lot of anxiety.

Because financially we can’t afford to go on holiday or do certain things. 

Because nobody's life is as amazing as their social media presence but we don't always realise this. 

Family time 

Summer holidays can mean extended family time or going home to be with family. 

Perhaps again, there is a pressure to enjoy this time, to create memories…yet the reality is often also filled with tension and conflict because of the closeness and shared history between people. 

Body shame or physical discomfort

For some, the heat and humidity of summer does not make it a comfortable time to be in their bodies.

It can also be a time of deep insecurity as pressure to look a certain way suddenly feels exponential with so much skin being shown everywhere. 

Heaviness amid the lightness

It can feel more insulting to be feeling sad or depressed or anxious in summer - almost as if there is no excuse to feel anything but happy. 

And yet we may also be feeling overstimulated with long days, and a buzz of activities. It can be harder to rest, to take time for ourselves when that is what we actually need. The longer days can be glorious, and can also make it harder to switch off or even to sleep. 

Despite the lightness of the season, we can still feel quite heavy - and feel even worse about it now that the sun is out and the pressure for fun is on. 

Perhaps as the quote in the beginning shows, summer brings hope - and yet we realise our lives are still the same - and that perhaps there is a gap between where we are and where we would like to be - made even more glaringly obvious with the sun.

Summer Permission Slip

It might be comforting to realise you are not alone in all this. And perhaps something we can do is relate to what is showing up for us differently - give ourselves permission for certain things while letting go of others.

So here's my attempt at a permission slip for this season.

You have permission to embrace who you really are this summer. You can go out as little or as much as you want - even if FOMO or social anxiety show up. 

You are allowed to take the time you need to rest or just do nothing. 

It's OK to feel whatever you are feeling. 

It's OK to allow yourself to enjoy life as it is right now, while also admitting to yourself that some aspects aren't working and that you want to make a change. 

It's also OK to know you want certain things to change and to choose not to do anything about it right now.

Above all, please be kind to yourself: It's OK not to be OK.

None of us are ever always OK. Even in summer.

“Affirmations are like screaming that you're okay in order to overcome this whisper that you're not... maybe you're not okay. Well, no big deal. None of us is okay and all of us are fine.” - Pema Chödrön

The Wisdom of Patterns

“To understand is to perceive patterns.” - Isaiah Berlin

When I was at school, I hated math. Until one day, we did a type of math that went something like this (in more complex form)

2, 4, 6, 8 __ __ __ ?

It was about seeing a sequence of numbers, and figuring out the numbers that came next. For some reason, my brain comprehended this type of math.

It made sense to me that we could guess what was likely to happen next based on what had happened before.

I think this made sense to me because patterns was my way of trying to make sense of the world around me. 

As a child, I would hear my parents speaking a language (Arabic), then go out and notice people looking different to us and speaking a language I did not understand (Swiss-German) outside of home. When my brothers and I started school, my parents put us in the English-speaking system, and my Dad worked mostly in French.

Wherever I went, I felt I didn’t really speak other people’s language. 

In Jordan, where we would spend summers, this feeling of not really fitting in made the role of observer feel natural to me. I could be on the outside, looking in and simply notice what was happening around me, how people were interacting without having to take on a more active role. 

I remember sitting through endless family visits and observing people, wondering why they behaved the way they did: What made this aunt so grumpy? What had happened to her in the past that made her like this? How did her way of seeing the world make sense to her?

I became someone almost invisible who was trying to find patterns. 

I think this is what drew me to Psychology. Understanding human behaviour. Why we do what we do as humans. 

How in life, what came before - usually during childhood - can explain what happens next. 

Most of what we do is not some random behavior. It is usually part of a larger pattern.

We learn to act a certain way because in a certain context, this was the best choice available. 

For example, a child with a critical parent will probably ‘adapt’ to this situation and try to make it less painful in various ways:

She might become a perfectionist, intent on not making a mistake to avoid criticism. 

She might become anxious, as a way of preparing herself for another ‘attack’. 

She might learn to play small, to take up as little room as possible, to not have needs or emotions as a way of avoiding potential criticism. 

She might become people pleasers as a way of trying to appease the critical parent and win their approval.

She might develop shame about ‘there must be something wrong with me’ because blaming the parent for their behavior is not an option for a child who relies on the parents for their survival. 

She might become very critical of herself, as a way of motivating herself to do better because this is what was familiar to her.

Or she might even go more into narcissism or grandiosity and a need to feel superior to others to avoid feeling the vulnerability of the child who was hurt. 

There are many possibilities or a mix of possibilities, and of course, this is a simplification. Reality is more complex than this, and there are more factors at play, including culture, the rest of the situation (for example having a more supportive parent or grand-parent might have been a more protective factor), genes, life events etc. 

If we think about this child though, what will she expect human relationships to be like later in life? She probably won’t expect them to be safe and supportive as this was not her experience growing up. 

She has been primed to look out for what confirms this belief, to orient to danger in relationships, and is already armed with her ‘adaptation’ to protect her. A pattern has been set-up, but it is so engrained, that it is difficult to even notice it. 

In other words, a child who learned to please her critical parent will probably continue this people pleasing behaviour in her adult relationships.

This adaptation is part of our implicit memory. It feels ‘right’ - a part of us, who we are.

I just like others to be happy. That is who I am, the role I take with friends.

These adaptations become so established that we cannot imagine who we would be without them. 

And yet, change is always possible.

Patterns are not destiny. They can be changed once we notice them - or we may not want to change them, but simply bring more choice and flexibility in when we use them.

What came before does not have to be what happens next. 

Before changing a pattern,  we need to first notice it. Understand that this was the best option we had at a time when we did not have much choice. Recognise the wisdom of this adaptation. 

So if you are struggling with a behavior or a pattern in your own life, before trying to change it, consider this question: 

How does this behavior or pattern make sense in some way, given what came before? 

PS - regarding my own adaptation, it morphed into asking others lots of questions instead of just staying invisible. Apparently this is more socially acceptable for adults! I was genuinely interested in others, but this was also a way of deflecting attention away from me, and my feeling of not belonging. Does my choice of work as a psychologist seem like a stretch?  

I have learned over the years to have more balanced relationships, where I also open up and share myself. Part of my sharing on this blog is my way of using this (often useful) adaptation with more flexibility. 

The End of 30's Paradox

I am nearing the end of my 30’s and in talking with friends and clients who are in this same life period, I have been noticing a paradox that seems particular to this life stage: 

There is time and there is also not a lot of time.

We are no longer at the beginning of adulthood nor are we at the end of it. With this comes a particular pressure: Dreams still feel possible but may not be possible forever. There is still so much we can and want to achieve, to do, to experience - and yet possibilities may no longer seem limitless like they did in our 20’s. 

And even if we are quite happy with our life as it is right now, some choices suddenly start having a ‘now or never’ feel to them.

Many choices at this time are more choices about a potential future than they are about what we want right now. 

We may wonder: Is it too late? Too late to change career, to leave this relationship, to have children, to start anew in some way?

We ask ourselves questions like:

Do I want children?

How can I act responsibly for my future health?

Should I start thinking of saving for retirement?  

If I don’t change careers now, will it be too late in a few years?

We’ve lived enough life by now to have several relationships or jobs that didn’t work out. We may even have noticed a pattern in how things tend to happen to us. 

And this may bring a fed-up-ness that can lead to questioning and the difficult realisation that the common denominator in many of the patterns we seem to repeat is…us. 

We may have reached the point where we’ve had enough of these repetitions. 

We realise perhaps, that whether we have been obediently following what was expected of us, or doing the exact opposite just to rebel - we are not free. 

Who am I when I am not just pleasing and performing and perfecting - but living life for me?

Who am I really? And what is it I actually want beyond what society tells me I should want? 

And perhaps what we want now, in this time of our lives, is to be ME. To be free.

We’ve had enough of feeling like we are never enough. Like maybe we could finally start to like ourselves instead of living in a seemingly constant state of self-criticism and self-sabotage. 

We may even realise that our body will probably never look or feel better than it does now. That we are ageing. Should we perhaps finally embrace it as it is - flaws and all - in its last hurrah?

We are moving from being the oldest of the young to the youngest of the old. 

There is time, and time is also running out if we want to live the life we want to be living. 

By this age, there may be a level of settled-ness. Maybe now that family life and career are humming along and we no longer need that initial make things happen energy and we can breathe a little, that pesky little question of What now? starts showing up.  

The sense of settled-ness can feel mighty unsettling. 

Is this all there is to life? 

Is this what I really want?

Is this the life I want to be living? 

With all these questions and the sense that some choices need to be made now and not put off any longer, comes the fear to rule all fears at this life stage: 

I’m afraid of making decisions or not doing things that I’ll regret later in life. 

This can feel almost paralysing - to the extent that we avoid making any decisions at all and just let life continue as it is. Or we may go into overdrive, scurrying after anything that feels it could work, or settling for something more out of fear of missing out than conviction.

I want to offer a different way of viewing the reality of there is time, and time is also running out.

I want to suggest viewing this as hunger. Hunger is simply a signal that we need something. 

Before succumbing to hunger and eating anything in sight, it is good to ask ourselves what we feel like eating, and to try to find a restaurant that serves this. 

Once we have figured out what we think we want and have ordered the food, it may not end up being what we actually needed or it may not taste good. Sometimes we can get something else while other times we don’t have that option. 

When we can’t just make another choice, we can choose to accept that we did the best we could with what we knew when we ordered the food - both what we thought we wanted and the restaurant we chose to satisfy this desire. 

In the same vein, we can use the sense of urgency at this life stage as hunger for something that spurs us to take action.

We can explore that hunger and try to meet it in the best way we can - while also realising there is much which is not entirely in our control. We simply don’t know whether things will work out. We don’t know whether we will find a relationship or career that is truly satisfying, whether we will be able to have children or succeed in our entrepreneurial dreams.

We can only do our best in working towards the things that matter to us, in working on the patterns that we keep repeating, in putting ourselves out there. 

And regardless of what we choose, whether or not we do something, we cannot guard ourselves against the possibility of regret or disappointment or loss. 

Perhaps instead of this angst, this urgency or pressure we feel to act, to choose THE RIGHT THING - we can accept that we can only make the best decisions we can right now with the resources and knowledge we have at the moment - and make a deal with ourselves to remember this, whatever happens. 

Because it simply isn’t possible to live a regret-free life. We can’t live without feeling disappointment.  And that’s OK. It’s all part of this human adventure. 

“We’re all going to die. We don’t get much say over how or when, but we do get to decide how we’re gonna live. So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More Compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out and decide.”

— Richard Weber in Grey’s Anatomy

But What If I Fail?

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. - Samuel Beckett

I just spent a week in Jordan visiting my family and away from the every day, it dawned on me: The 3 day retreat I was co-hosting in the South of France really wasn’t happening for several reasons, ranging from train strikes in France to not enough sign-ups.

It felt kinder for my co-host and I to let go of this dream rather than invest more into it. 

It is very easy to see such situations as ‘failures’, isn't it? My mind seems to automatically go there. 

But that is not how I want to see life. 

I want to see it as rife with opportunities to learn and grow - and hopefully become Wiser Humans. 

This example may not seem like a big deal, and yet how often do we take things not working out the way we hoped they would as confirmation that we suck? 

And yet, this is life. 

I knew taking on this project that I had never co-hosted an event over several days, that this was a risk. But I also decided that I wanted to be someone who took this kind of risk.

Taking risks in the service of what matters to us - that is vulnerability.

And it is only by being willing to be vulnerable - by taking risks and being all in - that we can live a bigger, more meaningful life. 

As J.K. Rowling, the author of Harry Potter says: 

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.

When my marriage ended, people around me talked about the ‘failure’ of my marriage. But that is not how I chose to see it. 

It worked - until it no longer did, and then we lovingly let it go. And I truly believe that nothing is a failure if we can grow and learn from it - which I did and still am. 

Yet, much of the time we treat ourselves like fragile objects made of glass that cannot fall because what if we break? So we stay stuck and play small in life, by holding onto thoughts like: 

What if I fail? 

What if I regret this? 

What if this doesn’t work out?

And yes, if we see ourselves as made of glass, if we see our worthiness as being on the line, then we are screwed. 

But I don’t see any of us as made of glass.

Instead, I like to think of us as being made of clay. If we fall, we won’t break. Instead, we can be ‘re-molded' into a new shape and able to learn from the experience.

This doesn’t mean we have to throw ourselves into ventures or relationships without thinking. 

No. I know now that I should have been more aware of the logistics of holding a retreat. I know now that an event like this needs to be planned much more in advance than we anticipated. 

I know this for next time. Things not working provides information - if we listen to it. 

So it is not about throwing ourselves into things, but perhaps gently taking our own hand, and helping ourselves prepare and risk manage as much as possible, doing our best to make it work - and then letting go of the stuff we can’t control and embracing the risk involved. 

And if it doesn’t work out?

It might not and that’s OK. 

Instead of wallowing in regret, of beating ourselves up, I find these questions more helpful: 

What do I now know?

What will I do differently next time?

What have I learned about myself and what really matters to me moving forward?

Life is about failing and falling and stumbling, and getting back up, having become someone stronger, wiser and more resilient - if we allow ourselves to be re-molded by our 'failures'. 

“Let me fall if I must, the one I will become will catch me.” - Baal Shem Tov

Boundaries: Why They Matter

“Boundaries is simply what’s OK and not OK.” - Brené Brown

Imagine your internal world - your emotions, thoughts, desires, needs - is a village.

In order for your village to thrive, it needs to feel safe. And it can only do that when it has a clear protection around it, one that defines who and what is OK and not OK to enter your village. 

Healthy boundaries are elastic and flexible, shifting each moment according to our needs and preferences. 

Knowing what is OK and not OK to enter our village - how it is OK and not OK for people to treat us and being able to communicate this respectfully and assertively can build more respectful and trusting relationships built on authenticity instead of Fear, Obligation or Guilt (FOG). 

A boundary is a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something.

Boundaries that are neither too flimsy nor too solid - but strong enough - have been linked to:

• More assertiveness / confidence
• Less likely to burn out / less stress
• Less anger / resentment
• More self-awareness / self-care / self trust
• Authenticity

Without a clear boundary we are not protected. The world and other people can feel unsafe. 

Our boundary style is not something we actively chose, but a way of being in relation to ourselves and others we learned growing up. If our parents modelled good boundaries and respected ours by allowing us to have our own needs, desires, emotions, we probably have good boundaries.

This is not always the case unfortunately, and many of us learned to sacrifice our own needs to be in connection with others, making our own boundaries too weak. Alternatively, we may have learned to cut ourselves off from connection to protect ourselves, leading to boundaries that are too solid. Often, we swing from one extreme to the other. 

As adults, we can now bring awareness to this behavior and change it if it is no longer working for us but it is important to go about this gently and with compassion. There is always a good reason why we do what we do - it made sense at some point in our life. Even if a behavior is no longer working for us, it is not ‘wrong’ - it is an adaptation we learned at a time when it made sense, like a survival strategy helping us make the best of the relationships we had in the past.

I wanted to share the information below in a visual way because understanding and awareness are often the first steps in making change. 

The village concept and diagrams are my own ideas and my approach on boundaries is inspired by the work of Pat Ogden, Brené Brown, Karla McLaren and Harriet Lerner. 

A lot of my personal work in the last few years has been around boundaries - and learning to have a clear boundary around my village in my (on-going) work around self-care, self-trust and authenticity. It is also often where I start with people in individual sessions.

When boundaries are not solid enough

Without solid boundaries, we have a hard time knowing where we start and others end. We let others into our village or go into their village, creating enmeshed relationships. 

When we allow others to invade our village...

• We end up doing things we don’t want to do.
• We feel taken advantage of. 
• We can end up feeling resentful, bitter or needy - like a victim. 
• We do not take responsibility for our village. 
• We get overrun by other people’s ‘stuff’ and lose a sense of who we are, feel overwhelmed, unclear about who we are or what we want.  

When we spend our time in other people’s villages... 

• We feel overly responsible for others.
• We feel taken advantage of.
• We feel depleted and can burn out.
• Our life can revolve around others: Trying to please them and putting their needs first.
• We are constantly looking for external validation or doing what we think others expect from us.

When boundaries are not solid enough, we often oscillate between both going into other people's village and letting them run ours. 

In both cases, we don’t really know who we are - in the first scenario because our village is overrun by others, and in the second because we spend so much time in other people's villages that our own village becomes a neglected ghost town. 

This can lead to...

• Being unable to clearly say yes, no or maybe.
• Our needs feeling unimportant or non-existent - difficult to even understand or identify.
• Feeling misunderstood.
• Taking on others’ emotions / stress easily.
• Being constantly angry, bitter, resentful, snarky, sarcastic.
• Being unable to properly take care of ourselves or even know who we are. We cannot prioritize ME over WE when we are too busy taking care of other people’s villages or dealing with those who are in ours.
• All this can lead to feeling so overrun we end up hating and even avoiding people. 

We let people get away with things that are not okay. Then we just become more resentful and hateful. - Brené Brown:

When boundaries are too rigid

When boundaries are too rigid - more like a stone wall than a fence - this was often an adaptation from a time when relationships did not feel safe and protecting ourselves in this way was what was needed to survive. 

In this scenario, we are safe, but cut off from others. Nothing gets in or out. 

This can mean...

• WE is sacrificed for ME - but the sense of ME is rigid and not fluid enough to adapt to the environment. 
• We can’t connect with others or express ourselves in a healthy way - nothing comes in or gets out. 
• It can feel difficult to be vulnerable or share personal information.
• It can feel safer to be alone, be self-reliant, guarded, independent. 

When boundaries are avoidance

Physically avoiding people, situations, conflicts or life choices is a form of boundary setting that we can resort to when avoidance was one the best option available to us when we were younger. 

This can look like avoiding situation that takes us out of our comfort zone because we don't feel safe enough without strong-enough boundaries. 

These may be solutions to protect us in the short-term, yet in the long-term they can lead to disconnection and a life that feels small. 

This said, sometimes this form of boundaries - avoidance or completely cutting certain people out of our lives - can be the kindest choice for us. If however, this is our pattern in every relationship, there might be some work to do in building a more flexible boundary that allows more of a give and take in relationships. 

Strong enough boundaries

Healthy boundaries that are strong enough to protect our internal village, while still being fluid and flexible enough to adapt to the context are often ideal. This looks like two whole villages interacting with each other in an authentic, respectful way.

This is about being assertive and able to own and clearly communicate our needs, what is OK and not OK for us, to have our own backs. It allow us to have relationships in which we can be ourselves most of the time.

The challenge of building strong enough boundaries is that this can bring up guilt, because many of us were taught to put WE before ME. 

In this scenario, ME and WE are balanced. ME is not sacrificed for WE nor is it only about ME.

It can often feel like a delicate dance and yet ME and WE are balanced in adult relationships built on mutuality. 

Whose village are you in?

We put our energy into taking responsibility for other people’s feelings, thoughts and behavior and hand over responsibility for our own. - Harriet Lerner

In order to understand boundaries, we need to understand what we are and are not responsible for. I wrote more about this here - and below is a more visual summary. 

Healthy boundaries mean taking responsibility for our own actions, needs and emotions and realising that while we may be able to influence how others feel or think or behave - we can never fully change this. 

In adult relationships, we can care about other people - but it is not our job to take care of them. 

We actually cannot change or ever guarantee how someone else reacts or how they feel, so we cannot be responsible for their actions or reactions or emotions in a healthy adult relationship.

When people try to manipulate us in some way, by getting us to feel or do something, we do not need to take this on - this is where a strong boundary enables us to ask questions, and make a conscious choice about how we are going to react - for example by saying no, standing up for ourselves or walking away. 

How boundaries work

No matter how solid our boundaries are, others will always try to cross them.

This is a given in life. And it’s OK when we trust ourselves to be able to repair our boundary when they are crossed. 

As Jonice Webb writes in Running on Empty:

"A primary rule of assertiveness is that anyone has the right to ask you for anything; and you have the equal right to say no, without giving a reason."

Repairing a boundary

When we repair our boundary this can look like:

• Saying a clear yes, no or maybe based on our needs in the moment. 
• Communicating what’s OK or not OK.
• Owning our own needs and asking for them.
• Standing up for ourselves WITHOUT invading the other person’s village. This is what we often call assertiveness. 

It is only by repairing our boundary that we build self-trust - that we know that we have our own back. 

Boundaries crossed repeatedly without repair leaves us as more of a blob than a whole village. 

This often leads to:

• resentment
• bitterness
• apathy
• annoyance
• regret 
• sarcasm 
• cynicism 
• passive-agressive behavior

Where to start

This is a big topic, and there are tools for how to set boundaries or open up more to connection depending on what feels more relevant to you in a situation. 

Perhaps a good place to start is to simply notice - with kindness and curiosity - where you are at and what works and no longer works for you. 

How do you react in relationships? What is the balance between ME / WE? Is this working for you? Are you living with a lot of resentment, apathy or passive-aggressive behavior in your relationships? Do you feel you can trust yourself to understand and communicate your needs?

As Pat Ogden writes, "You can transform your relational boundary style into a choice rather than an automatic habit."

Said another way, you can change the signpost at the entrance of your village to one that is more aligned with the life you want to create today - perhaps one grounded in authenticity, assertiveness and connection.