2019 in Review: Being With What Is

I will remember 2019 as a tough and transformative year. For me, and also many of the people I worked with this year, it brought a no-bullshit, face the reality and grow-up sort of tough love energy with it.  

This year brought some letting go and questioning of deeply entrenched ways of operating in relationships, both with myself and others. Out of all this, I found beauty and love, and a more honest way of being with myself and the world around me. 

My word for 2019 was MYSTERY and unexpectedly, it is through embracing mystery that I have also began embracing reality more and more - and by doing this, uncovering a magic in the reality of what is.

Work-wise

I focused mostly on individual sessions, doing about 800 session throughout the year. I participated as a speaker in two events: One with Victoria Sardain’s Brunch Club which included yoga, a workshop on building healthy habits and brunch at Tibits and another as a guest speaker at a conversation on burnout held by the Organisation of Women in International Trade (OWIT). 

While I loved participating in both these events, I had no desire to organise my own events this year after the whirlwind of activities last year. 

At the end of June, I closed down my Geneva practise which I had had for about six years. This felt like a very difficult decision and it took me a while to make it, yet as soon as I had done it, it seemed to make sense on so many levels. I still have some Geneva clients who continue to either come in person or meet online, and I am touched and grateful for this loyalty. 

I attended an advanced self-compassion retreat for therapists in Thailand in February and the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) conference which was in Dublin in June. Even though I was told that Guinness tastes SO MUCH BETTER in Ireland, you can tell from my face I was not convinced!

Blog-wise, I only wrote a few posts this year, and this one inspired by an idea from Elizabeth Gilbert’s new novel, City of Girls, was the most read. 

It is based on a theme I worked on a lot with clients, around letting go of expectations:

The world ain't straight. You grow up thinking things are a certain way. You think there are rules. You think there's a way that things have to be. You try to live straight. But the world doesn't care about your rules, or what you believe. The world ain't straight, Vivian. Never will be. Our rules, they don't mean a thing. The world just happens to you sometimes, is what I think. And people just gotta keep moving through it, best they can. - Elizabeth Gilbert, City of Girls 

I also invested heavily in therapy supervision and my own therapy and feel immensely grateful for all the ways both my supervisor and therapist have helped me grow both as a human and as a human sitting with other humans. 

It makes me think of this quote by C.G. Jung: 

Know all the theories, master all the techniques, but as you touch a human soul be just another human soul.

Denial no more

One of the themes that came up for me in both supervision and my own therapy has been around the importance of being willing to be disappointed instead of trying to guard against it - by over-preparing, trying to be in control or not fully letting go or being vulnerable. 

I learned that disappointment and regret are simply a part of life and not a sign of failure and that we can learn from them and grow, instead of trying so hard to avoid them.

One of the first disappointments was right at the beginning of the year with a brief but intense and highly manipulative relationship. When this ended with the quintessentially modern dating experience of ‘ghosting’, I went through a period of thinking I should have known better, that I should have had better discernment as a psychologist. And yet, this experience was very humbling too, as it showed me that I was just human, and that I was prone to flattery and manipulation, like anyone else - even if I know on a theoretical level what to look out for.

It brought some deep questioning of my tendencies and I realised that I was not with the reality of who he was but who I wanted him to be - what I wanted to believe. Hello, self-deception.

This difficult realisation became the start of a more honest stance with myself, without the filter of self-deception, self-forcing, wishful thinking or denial.

And this started a whole new way of being that rippled into other areas of my life.

Being with what is

It is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any sort of self-deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events, by which the path to success may be recognized. - I Ching 

Continuing on the difficult path of stepping out of denial, I finally chose to confront the reality of the genetic kidney condition I am living with, a chronic disease which progressively decreases kidney function over time. 

I did an MRI for the first time in 10 years to monitor the progress of this disease. I shared the below on Facebook and Instagram:

While conventional medicine says there is no cure, I have nonetheless discovered some alternative approaches that involve strenuous diet and lifestyle changes to attempt to keep my current state of health for as long possible and I am slowly starting to put these into place. 

While this has been very difficult to face, it also feels more empowering to know I am doing what I can, and I am hopeful about what is in my power to change and more accepting of what isn’t.

Embracing Mystery 

Strangely enough, by being more willing to be with what is without filters, I was also able to embrace mystery - the unknown - a little more. 

The therapist I am currently working with has a Depth Psychology approach, and he also integrates astrology in a way that was completely mind-opening for me. 

I was never really interested in astrology or horoscopes, I barely knew what my sun sign was (Gemini!) and yet the birth chart reading I did with him was so revealing that I have since become curious about astrology as yet another way to understand humans. 

I am starting a training in astrology birth charts next month, and I am curious to see where this will take me. 

Allowing love to unfurl

The most incredible thing to happen this year was finding love when I least expected it. 

I was feeling kind of worn out, having been through the break-up of my marriage, and two other relationships in the past three years. I wasn’t really looking for anything specific when I met this man.

This wasn’t the intense, sparks flying, feeling on top of a cloud kind of relationship. It was more like a fern, slowly unfurling with time and the more we got to know each other. 

It has only been six months, yet so far this feels like a healthy foundation for a relationship, to slowly build trust and safety. 

I feel this is the first time I am fully with the reality of the person: I am willing to accept him exactly as he is, without needing him to change or ignoring certain aspects. Being with the reality of our relationship in this way is so much more relaxing and enjoyable!

As I faced my kidney disease, I also practised a level of openness and vulnerability I had never brought to a relationship. While a part of me was terrified, and expecting him to walk away when he knew all this, I took the risk and I am immensely grateful that this has brought us closer.

Where to next

I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring. - David Bowie

To be honest, I am not sure where I want to go next. 

I want to stay open and curious to new ways of understanding humans. If there is something I learned this year, it is how not having specific expectations and being curious can lead us to places we didn’t even know existed. 

I also know I need to prioritise self-care even more radically.

For 2020, the word I am choosing is MAGIC.

Strangely enough, by embracing reality and being aware of all the ways I was operating under denial, life actually feels more magical.

This is a magic that feels grounded, that feels like what is truly there and yet we miss it when we are caught up in expectations, in denial or in trying to guard against disappointment. 

Magic doesn't sweep you away; it gathers you up into the body of the present moment so thoroughly that all your explanations fall away: the ordinary, in all its plain and simple outrageousness, begins to shine -- to become luminously, impossibly so. Every facet of the world is awake, and you within it. - David Abram

I want to discover the magic in the every day, a magic that comes from being fully with what is - even the hard stuff - and with who people really are, instead of burdening them with my expectations or wishes.

Thank you for being part of my 2019. Here’s to a 2020 filled with more growth and love and magic!

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”- Roald Dahl

Hello, Village Chief(ess)

In a previous blog post, I introduced the idea that we are made up of multitudes. 

And I wanted to build on this because simply knowing we are made up of different parts without knowing how to work with them might seem confusing. With all these different villagers and their clumsy ways of trying to protect our internal village, how do we make decisions? How can we not feel torn or fragmented?  

Are we that angry part that gets triggered in an argument and takes over? Are we the shame that shows up after the argument in response to the angry part? Or the loving part that was there just moments before the argument erupted?

The reality of being human is that we are all these parts - they are a part of us - and we are also bigger than them because no one villager or part of us defines who we are entirely.

Richard Schwartz of Internal Family Systems (IFS) compares our different parts to an orchestra made-up of many instruments. None of the instruments alone makes up the orchestra and yet each instrument contributes to the overall music. 

In order to avoid chaos, we need the conductor to direct the orchestra in the same way our internal villages also need leadership. 

Enter the Wise Village Chief (or Chiefess or Village Council if that feels more appropriate).

This is the part of us who is able to take a step back, take stock of the situation and make decisions that are in line with our values or integrity. This is where our innate wisdom lies. 

The role of the Wise Village Chief(ess) is to: 

1. Take a step back and notice and name all the different villagers showing up.

2. Listen to and validate the villagers who are showing up instead of trying to resist them or get rid of them, as we so often tend to do with annoying villagers. These parts of us do not show up randomly to make us feel bad - they are a response to what is happening or has happened in the past and are showing up for a good reason.

3. Just because we are listening to these different parts of us does not mean we have to do what they are telling us to do. Instead, we can choose what we do next based on what matters to us - making choices in line with our values instead of being triggered or allowing the ‘loudest’ villager to simply react to the situation without consideration.

For example, if we have an angry part that shows up, the role of the Wise Village Chief(ess) is first to notice and name their existence. 

A part of me is angry

Oh hello, angry villager.

And then to listen to what this villager has to say. What makes this villager so angry? What do they see as their job description for the village? Sometimes, simply listening and validating this villager’s response can be very helpful:

‘It makes sense that a part of me is angry right now given what happened earlier.’

From this perspective, we are then able to choose our response to the situation by bringing in our values instead of allowing the noisy villagers to take over: 

What kind of person do I want to be?

What really matters to me here? 

How do I want to show up in this situation?

Looking back, what would I like to say that I stood for in this situation? 

So we can FEEL anger and listen to what that part is telling us (punch them in the face!) and still choose to respond in a way that is in line with how we want to be as a person. So if standing up for myself is a value, I can calmly yet firmly tell the other person that their actions were not OK instead of punching them in the face or ignoring my anger and not reacting at all. 

This is very different from what we tend to do, which is either let the villagers totally take over, and then maybe responding in a way that feels agressive or suppressing these parts of us with beliefs like: I shouldn’t be feeling this way, or I’m overreacting. 

This approach is about normalising our reactions. What we are experiencing inside - in our internal village - is ALWAYS OK. What we are feeling is never wrong, disproportionate or over the top. We are always allowed to feel what we are feeling.

We do not fully choose the emotions or thoughts that show up inside of us, but what we get to choose is in how we react outside - in the physical world, with other people or in the choices we make. 

The role of the Wise Village Chief(ess) is to notice, name, and validate these parts of us, and then choose how to respond in the external world - what to do next. 

Through this process, we bring that moment of pause which Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor E. Frankl so famously talked about: 

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. 

This Thing Called Pain

When suffering knocks at your door and you say there is no seat for him, he tells you not to worry because he has brought his own stool. - Chinua Achebe

If you’ve been on planet earth for a bit, you’ve probably experienced it.

This thing we all hate, that we try really hard to avoid feeling.

This thing called Pain.

Yup, you’re probably familiar with it, too.

If you’re a normal, healthy human, you will have experienced pain at some point in your life.

There’s no way to avoid it.

Something doesn’t work out - hello, pain.

A relationship ends - hello, pain.

Someone we love gets sick or dies - hello, pain.

I’m sure you get the picture.

And what’s really mind-blowing and perhaps also incredibly obvious is that none of us is going to go through life without experiencing pain.

It is the cost of entry to being human.

Pain is the other side of the same coin as CARING: We hurt because we care. If we didn’t care, if we were simply robots going about our lives, we wouldn’t experience pain.

But we CARE: We care about people. We care about projects. We care about animals. We care about being loved, about belonging and acceptance.

And we will all inevitably face loss, rejection, disappointment, failure, gaps between where we are at and where we want to be.

And this stuff hurts.

So I wanted to share a very simple way of working with this natural pain of life.

This might be one of the favorite ‘tools’ of my clients in individual sessions.

It is based on an idea by Dr Steven Hayes, the founder of the approach I use, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

He talks about Clean Pain vs Dirty Pain.

Clean Pain

Clean pain is the natural pain of life. it is the pain none of us can avoid that I mentioned above.

Dirty Pain

This pain is a little more optional. It is everything we layer on top of the natural pain of life.

Dirty pain is all of the ways our minds make this pain worse, by resisting it, fighting it, telling ourselves we shouldn’t be feeling this way or blaming ourselves or others.

We are all experts at dirty pain.

Our minds are really, really good at making clean pain so much worse.

Here’s how I see it, with an example of feeling sad about something as ‘clean pain’:

By dropping the struggle, we avoid additional suffering and enable clean pain to simply be there, rather than wasting energy struggling and making it much bigger.

According to brain researcher Jill Bolte Taylor, emotions last only 90 seconds IF we don’t resist them, if we don’t create a storyline around them and simply allow them to show up and hang out.

In other words, the more we can stay with the clean pain of life, the more quickly it tends to pass through - and the less pain we are adding on to it.

When we stay with the clean pain:

• We don’t waste time and energy fighting or avoiding our emotions.

• We don’t add any pain to what we are already feeling.

• We still experience pain but it feels more ‘clean’, more manageable.

Instead of making things worse by adding dirty pain where:

• Our emotions are stuck and feel much ‘bigger’.

• We waste a huge amount of time and energy struggling with them.

• We beat ourselves up instead of recognising that pain is a normal part of life.

Dropping the struggle

There is no right or wrong way of doing this - or any real recipe for it, but here’s something you can try next time you experience pain:

Instead of fighting it, telling yourself you should feel something different, or that you should be over something by now:

STOP.

Notice your mind starting to go into dirty pain.

Take a deep breath + give yourself permission to simply allow whatever pain is showing up to be there by dropping the struggle and telling yourself something like: It’s OK to feel this way.

“The best way out is always through.” - Robert Frost

The World Ain’t Straight

“The world ain't straight. You grow up thinking things are a certain way. You think there are rules. You think there's a way that things have to be. You try to live straight. But the world doesn't care about your rules, or what you believe. The world ain't straight, Vivian. Never will be. Our rules, they don't mean a thing. The world just happens to you sometimes, is what I think. And people just gotta keep moving through it, best they can.”  - Elizabeth Gilbert, City of Girls 

I just finished Elizabeth Gilbert’s amazing new book, City of Girls. And the passage above about ‘the world ain’t straight’ shook me. It isn’t and yet, so often we expect it to be. We expect ourselves to be. We expect life to be. We expect others to be. 

And these expectations lead to disappointment. 

They lead to frustration. To resistance. To a sense of ‘this is not how things should be’. 

And yet, as adults, the world doesn’t owe us anything.

Just because we make an effort and try hard doesn’t mean the world owes us the result we want. There is never any guarantee. The world ain’t straight. 

This doesn’t mean that we need to just give up and stop trying - we still make an effort, but without the entitled expectation that just because I am putting myself out there, this has to work.

Just because we are good people doesn’t mean difficult things won’t happen to us all at some point. Simply being human means that we WILL face loss and hardship and heartbreak - guaranteed. 

Just because we have done everything ‘right’ (whatever that means) doesn’t mean that things won’t go very wrong and out of our control at some point.

It is the cost of entry into this human life. 

And perhaps instead of expecting the world to be ‘straight’, we can learn to open up to a non-straight world: 

Accepting that some people will like us and others won’t and that neither defines our worthiness as people nor have so much to do with us anyway. 

That instead of trying so hard to be nice and doing the ‘right thing’, we can choose to do what really matters to us, even when this is means being tough or making difficult choices. 

That everything always changes. Nothing lasts forever, both pleasure and pain - and that the less we resist this, the more flowing life feels. 

That there is gain and loss whatever path we choose. In every path or choice we say yes to, we are also saying no to something else and that this is inevitable.

And that no choice is really ever final anyway - if it doesn’t work out we can always make another choice. 

And perhaps moving through a non-straight world can look like: 

Changing the things we CAN change: Our choices, actions and reactions.

Letting go of what we cannot fully control: Whether or not something we are doing works out, needing to please other people or make them happy, other people’s actions or choices, bigger things like politics, corporate policy, traffic or the weather.

And through it all, in this twisted, non-straight world, to keep moving towards what truly matters to us - our values - in both big and small ways - to strive to live a meaningful life despite the twists and turns.

Life is a choice. The choice here is not about whether or not to have pain. it is whether or not to live a valued, meaningful life. - Steven Hayes

We Contain Multitudes

Do I contradict myself? Very well then - I am large, I contain multitudes. - Walt Whitman

I want to share an idea about being human that can make a big difference in how we relate to ourselves and others.

The idea is that we are not one uniform ‘me’ - as many of us like to think - but that we are made up of a multitude of ‘parts’ or ‘selves’. 

As one of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Gilbert, expresses it: 

We each have brave parts of ourselves, and terrified parts, and ashamed parts, and stubborn parts, and hopeful parts, and cynical parts, and ambitious parts, and self-destructive parts…and all of them have a voice (and all of them USE that voice).

The way I see this is that we each have our own internal village and this village is made up of different villagers who make us who we are.

This multitude of villagers is what makes us the unique, complex and sometimes very confusing humans we are. 

Let’s look into what happens around making a decision. 

One villager could be very vocal about the need for security. This villager wants to make sure our internal village has consistency, safety, stability. This villager will be very vocal about options that allow for these needs to be met and will favor what is already known. 

And while most of us have a need for security and stability, we also often have another villager who is all about variety, surprise, newness. This villager will be attracted to options that allow for a sense of adventure and will be attracted to the unknown. 

Just to make things more complicated, perhaps another villager steps in and wants to take the more conventional option, to make sure we fit in - and this sets off another villager who DOESN’T want to conform, who just wants to be free - maybe even to rebel. 

This dynamic - the fact that we have all these different parts of villagers in our internal village and that they are all so vocal - is behind much of our behavior.

Hello, indecision. 

Hello, stuckness. 

Hello, self-sabotage. 

Hello, confusion.  

These seemingly contradictory parts - the cacophony of villagers we all have - does not mean there is anything wrong with us. 

It simply means we are human. 

Here is the tricky part though: Each of the villagers thinks they know what is best for us - that they are protecting or motivating us in some way, even when this looks self-destructive. 

Often a villager showed up at a time in our lives when they were needed, when we were young and needed to adapt to the the environment in which we grew up. For example, if we had a parent who was very critical, we might have a People Pleasing Villager who evolved to shield us from further pain by trying to please our parent and avoid criticism in this way. 

These sort of ‘adaptations’ enabled us to survive situations when we were young and they often explain why we react the way we do, even when this feels like self-sabotage or ‘I should know better’. 

It’s because that particular villager hasn’t gotten the memo that we are now adults and no longer need them to take over the village to protect us.

And yet, we cannot ignore these villagers. All the villagers are here to stay and we need to learn to get along with all of them, without necessarily allowing them to take over. 

Other villagers are there as part of how we evolved as humans - with needs and motives that are sometimes tricky for our modern world.

So with all these villagers who want different things for us - what do we do? 

A very simple yet effective way to start working with our villagers is to simply notice and name the different villagers - to see what we are feeling or wanting as one part of us - but not ALL of us.

Once we start acknowledging the different parts of ourselves, we can communicate this to ourselves and others.

Being able to acknowledge and even name these villagers in our communication can make a huge difference - for example: 

A part of me is really angry at you right now - and another part of me also understands your point of view. 

A part of me really wants to do this and another part of me is really scared.

We can hold different parts of ourselves - different emotions or needs or points of view - all at the same time. 

Being an adult means being able to hold several realities at the same time: We can be both angry AND sad AND grateful AND anxious about something all at the same time. There is even a nifty word for this: Emodiversity - and this has been shown to be linked to better psychological health. 

So next time you feel stuck, or confused or want to communicate something seemingly contradictory to someone, try breaking it down into parts and simply notice what this is like.

When we no longer expect ourselves to feel only one thing and realise that it’s OK and even normal to feel a full range of seemingly contradictory emotions or needs or desires, we can respond to ourselves and others in a much more nuanced way.

Part 2: Hello, Village Chief(ess)

2018 in Review: Break-up, Break-in and Break-through

I will remember 2018 as a year of building and also of tearing down, of learning to trust myself beyond what I thought possible through both a break-up and a break-in (more in a bit). 

Work-wise

I really prioritised building my practise this year, to the extent that that only holidays I took were to visit my family in Jordan at Easter and Christmas and a long weekend with friends. I feel immensely privileged to be doing this work, to sit with fellow humans in their most intimate and vulnerable moments.

I feel I have found a good balance in splitting my time between sessions in both my old home of Geneva and my new home of Lausanne. I now have about half my clients in each city.

Two of the rooms at Lausanne Therapy Space (photo creds: Hannah Shan Photography)

In November we celebrated our one year anniversary at Lausanne Therapy Space. I feel very fortunate to work with the women in this space, and am still in love with everything about it from the room design by Sofia Clara to Momo who sells (delicious) crêpes at the entrance of the building and always brightens my day! 

The Lausanne Therapy Space Team from left to right: Hiba, Teresa, Carey, Tania and Julianna

Visibility

My word of the year was VISIBILITY because I wanted visibility over my finances, insurance and administration. This was something I had never really taken responsibility for when I was married and being on my own and also independent work-wise, this filled me with anxiety and dread.

I am now at the point where I enjoy (!!) accounting thanks to the accounting system I am using (Wave) and I have even come to realize that this stuff is also a form of self-care, that being able to have my own back financially and administratively is just as important as eating healthy or going to yoga.

Lots of events

VISIBILITY was also about putting myself out there despite the doubts and anxiety that are always there when running workshops and events. 

This year, I launched some new topics that I am really excited about:

I held a workshop for men with Aernout and we had a wonderful group of seven men who were all eager to learn and share. 

This led me to hear about Carl who has a men’s peer to peer support group in both Lausanne and Geneva called Blokes and Black Dogs.

I also co-led a Yoga + Psychology Urban Retreat around building confidence with my friend and yoga teacher Ludmila. 

I held a new workshop in the summer on relationships patterns based on attachment theory and a corporate talk on stress for the first time, which I tackled from quite an unusual angle which I hope to share more widely in 2019.

I also explored the topic of trust / self-trust and intuition for the first time in the framework of my Becoming Wiser Workshop Trilogy while updating some existing topics - my staples around boundaries, emotions and connection. 

Blogging

My favorite blog posts this year came from personal experience. The first came from visiting my 90 year old adopted aunt and being moved by her life wisdom in the face of difficulty and loss. The idea that life is meant to mark you touched me deeply, and I very much resonate with this quote I used at the beginning of the blog post:

“I don't want to die without any scars.” - Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

The other came from spending a long weekend with two of my close friends who are also at the end of their 30’s. We spent a lot of time talking about the paradox of this life stage and the questions we were asking, which became this blog post. 

I also wrote a blog post on boundaries with diagrams as I realize this is one of the topics I refer to most often in individual sessions - and it has become a post that clients tell me they share with their family members who don’t respect their boundaries!

Hello, Body

This year saw a focus on the body, and integrating body and mind in working with people and in my own training as a psychologist.

I completed Level 1 training in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy which aims at integrating the body in therapy, particular in working with trauma which is often stored in the body. 

I also found myself working and exploring the emotional interplay with physical issues such as PMS / PMDD, digestive issues or chronic pain. 

I am working more and more with other practitioners such as acupuncturists, nutritional therapists or yoga teachers, particularly in clients with burnout.

I changed therapy supervisors and have been working with someone who has a more body based approach which is very helpful for my own growth as a therapist.

I am also continuing my own therapy and I found someone in Lausanne who I see every 2-3 weeks. I find that having this space for myself has been incredible, simply to check in with someone and take stock of how I am doing.

I also needed to amp up my own self-care. While last year I felt I was still in survival mode post separation / divorce, this year I realised I needed to more seriously take care of myself, especially since I wasn’t relying as much as in the past on holidays or travel to recharge and I often work late nights and early mornings.

I rediscovered dancing and started taking Nia dance classes again, going to yoga and even doing 2-3 hour intensive workshops with teachers like Nico Luce. I also saw self-care in ways of organising my time, what I was saying yes and no to. I am very grateful that my health this year was great, despite still being quite relaxed around food - I am particularly grateful for this after being constantly sick the previous year. 

A break-in and a break-up

Following my divorce, I had a mental list in my head of ‘stuff I wouldn’t be able to handle on my own’ because it didn’t believe I was strong enough without a man (I know this sounds terrible). 

On the top of that list was for my apartment, which had become my safe haven, to be robbed. Ironically, it seems like Life wanted to show me I actually could handle it, and in March my apartment was broken into. I learned that I actually could handle all of it, from the clean-up to dealing with the police, and feeling safe again in my own home. 

Also on that mental list was ‘I couldn't deal with another break-up’ and I also went through this this year. I was able to let get of a relationship that was no longer working for me even if we had a great connection on many levels. 

It was a difficult decision, and yet there is also great strength in walking away from that which no longer works. I honestly believe that everyone wins when we do this, even if in the short term it is often painful and messy. 

After the break-up, I went through several months of isolation, of withdrawal. I took this time to fully be on my own, and this quote from Osho really spoke to me during this phase: 

The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it's not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person--without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other. - Osho

Where to next

2018 was a year of making things happen, of structure, of building, tearing down, consolidating. 

I feel like I now have a foundation and I can relax into this structure and allow more flow in my life.

In 2019, I want to move more from a place of trust, intuition and flow.

I want to listen to myself and my needs in the moment - while trusting that whatever happens, I’ll handle it - that I can take risks and do new things and face failure, and still be OK.

Through both the break-in and break-up this year, I had the break-through that there is so much in life that we cannot predict or control, and that instead we can trust ourselves to be able to handle whatever life brings.

This was the break-through I had in 2018 and I really want to embrace it in 2019.

I want to embrace the mystery of life instead of over-planning or overbooking or trying to control things.

Because mystery or the unknown will always be a part of life.

So I want to welcome the unknown that inevitably comes from stepping out of our comfort zone, that inevitably comes at the start of any new endeavor, be it a new project or a new relationship. 

My word for 2019 is MYSTERY.

I want to dance more, to explore more, to go deeper, to open my heart more. I want to trust that even if I open my heart and get hurt, I will still be OK.

Like, my 90 year old aunt, Lydia, I want to be marked by life. I want to be fully alive. I want to fully love. And I want to be open to change and whatever life brings.

Thank you for being a part of my 2018!

Here’s to a 2019 filled with growth and wisdom and embracing the mystery of life, while trusting ourselves to handle whatever life brings - be it a break-up, a break-in or a break-through!

Two things make life easier: Having a good relationship with your intuition and not being afraid of change. - Yung Pueblo